her vagina looked like bernie madoff
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
