I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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