it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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