Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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