Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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