my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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