I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
