Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
