No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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