i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
