She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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