Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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