Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
COCAINE IS GR8
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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