Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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