I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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