I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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