I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
