Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
