don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
