Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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