Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
