Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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