ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
