Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
