I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
The Olympian is in my bed
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
