i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
