meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
