By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
