The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
