sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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