we made out on top of his cat.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
