Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
