I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I should be sponsored by Trojan
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
