alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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