It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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