When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
