She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
