i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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