i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
