why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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