It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
