Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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