She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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