My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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