I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
