tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I think I am morally bankrupt
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
