Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
