If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
