i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
