i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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