Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
