Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
