New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
