I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
